“Hope is a good thing–maybe the best of things–and no good thing ever dies.”

So goes my favorite quote fromThe Shawshank Redemption. As much as anything, my recent departure from HP was due to my fear greatly outweighing my hope–as it had for several months. But in my case, Red was right, thank the Great Spirit!

What was I afraid of?  A number of things, I think, but the biggest was that I did not believe that I could do the job assigned me and, despite all indications to the contrary, I feared that I would be found incompetent.

I fear being thought incompetent more than I fear death.  Really.

QBQ*: Why did I feel so incompetent?  Because even though I had been in my support lead role for over a year, I did not feel as though I had made any progress in gaining deep understanding of the applications that I supported.  Considering the hundreds of emails, instant messages, and todo list items on my plate, there wasn’t time–and I felt that there never would be. This situation provided perfect growing conditions for what became a truly noxious weed.  The seed was my particular set of insecurities, the light was provided by the innumerable transformational changes going on at all levels of HP, and the nourishment was the certain knowledge that my job would relocate to Texas next year–with or without me.

(Insecurity+workload) * transformational change * impending job loss = FEAR

Fear begets stress.  Not the healthy stress of being challenged or stretched, but the unhealthy stress of feeling vulnerable before the world and unable to make progress or even defend oneself.  It’s a credit to my boss that she kept me propped up for months, believing that I’d turn a corner to find I could afford the time to learn, to grow, to gain the expertise whose absence was the root of my problem.  When the anxiety attacks, headaches, and nausea (my trifecta of stress symptoms) made work inherently unhealthy, I knew I had to do something drastic.  So after 23 mostly good years with HP, I quit.

I wondered, as my end date approached, if I was just fooling myself.  Perhaps I had just become so stodgy and irrelevant that I couldn’t cope with work and life at the same time, no matter where I went or what I did.  In fact, could I even cope with being “between assignments” (a.k.a., unemployed)?  For better or for worse, I packed a few boxes, handed in my ID, and drove home.  It was a sunny midafternoon.

Enter hope.  It’s been two weeks now, and I feel great!  Lately I’ve been focused on doing well in an upcoming job interview with the local university–a job that I want very much.  More on that later.  But even in the first couple of days, the fear drained away and hope rushed in.  Hope…and something else.  Call it ‘resolve’, or even ‘confidence’.  I began to believe that I could find a new job and that I still have a lot to contribute.

Within the first 24 hours after I pulled out of the employee parking lot for the last time, the color returned to my sight.  I could hear the birds singing.  I could feel the sunshine of my family’s love.  And it all felt very, very good.  This good feeling served as a stark contrast to where I must have been, if these sensations felt new to me.

Now, I not only have that good feeling, but I’m challenged and stretched to do everything I can to earn this job at OSU.  They want someone that knows their way around data warehouses, someone that can do analysis, design, coding, and support.  Someone to provide training.  Someone to listen to the end users and show them how they might do things better–and take back their good suggestions to the technical team for future development.  Now, this is the kind of work that I love!

Wanting something that is out of one’s control is risky business.  It’s all too easy to convince yourself that it’s yours for the taking–and then, too often, comes the bitter reality that it was never really yours.  Then again, if we do not want, if we do not work toward fulfilling that want, what is life?  The drive to reach for the next great thing is, I believe, the major reason we are human.

I want the life that will be made possible through this new job.  I want it for myself, for my family, and for all of my friends at HP that are in pain similar to mine.  Life is good, and can be even better.  I will try for this job with everything I have and if I succeed, it will be great.  If I fail, I will do something else.

My hope towers immeasurably over my fear–and hope, which may be the best of things, lives.

* "QBQ" = "Question Behind the Question"